Saturday, November 3, 2012

Day 34: God Bless Me

Question 6:  What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
I think that without question, the hardest thing I've ever experienced/am experiencing is infertility.  There's something to be said of watching everyone around you so easily achieve what you've worked, cried and prayed for for so many years.  I ruined at least one really wonderful friendship and experienced strain in my marriage and family because of impatience, envy and jealousy.  One year in particular I lost count at 32 baby shower invites in a period of about 9 months.  Putting a smile on my face with every announcement or pregnancy story was literally more than I could bare.  I was bitter, I was angry, I was hurt and I was devastated.
One afternoon, I received a phone call from one of my family members.  She was hesitant and carefully told me that she was expecting another baby.  Of course, I knew it before then.  That's one thing I've noticed--a sort of sixth sense--I can often tell someone's pregnant before they know or decide to start telling others, it's what I would call a tender mercy.  Anyway, she apologized and started to cry.  I told her, "I have to go now." and then I hung up the phone and cried like I'd never cried before.
Had I really sunk so low that people felt they needed to apologize to me for being pregnant?  What had I let happen to so many people I cared about that they felt they needed to skirt around their happy news for my sake?  Why did this have to be so painful?  I couldn't take it anymore.  My heart was so broken.
I told the Lord I couldn't do this any longer; the hurt was unbearable.  I was so unhappy and so tired of feeling dark and bitter.  I needed to let all of this go but couldn't begin to know how.  I prayed that my heart could be softened, that the pain would go away and that I could be healed.
Now, I've heard people bare testimony of the power of the atonement and always wondered how they could possibly know.  Sure, Jesus died for us and all so that we could be forgiven and he'd know how to help us, but how could anyone really know or feel anything more than that?  I will tell you, that I know the atonement of Jesus Christ is real and it truly can heal our hearts and save our souls.  The moment I finally let go of all of the hate and bitterness I'd been clinging to and finally opened my arms to the love and healing power of Jesus' atonement--I was finally set free.  I'm not going to lie and say that I never feel pain over infertility because I totally do, and I still cry about it at times, but I'm not bitter anymore.  I can actually be happy for my friends and family (after a quick cry) and I am filled with hope that God has a plan for Clinton and me--and that it's better than anything else I would have or could have ever planned for us.

Ha ha:
The other day I was talking to a coworker and had to sneeze.  As she continued to talk I turned my head to the side and sneezed into my shoulder.
Ooo, that felt a little wet.  Best to take a peek.
So I looked on my right shoulder and noticed a giant booger clinging for life on my wool sweater.
Meanwhile, my coworker keeps talking and I sorta duck down, hoping she doesn't see it over our little wall between our desks.
I grab a tissue and wipe my nose and then "casually" wipe off my shoulder, hoping any residual sheen is absorbed by the barely-soft tissues they provide for us at work.
Talk about embarrassing!


  1. Thank you for sharing your thought and feelings about your struggles with infertility. I have had similar thoughts and feelings as I have struggled with being single. The Atonement is amazing and can heal all wounds.

  2. Your ha ha moment reminded me of when I was 14 and at EFY. I sneezed and a big blob of snot shot out of my nose and onto the back of the girl standing in front of me! I was mortified and didn't say anything to her. I don't think she noticed and must have walked around all day with a snot glob on the back of her shirt!